Finding Lifelong Friendships

Posted: 05/31/2011 | May 31st, 2011

I hadn’t seen Paul and Jane in over four years.

The three of us met on the island of Ko Lipe in Thailand in 2006 — a place we loved so much, we stayed a month. The three of us became close friends in that time. By the end, it was as though we had known each other for years. However, with my visa expiring, I had to leave. Yet, as I left the island, Paul and Jane made me promise to visit them in New Zealand. It was something I could easily do.

Four years later I finally arrived in New Zealand. Despite the amount of time that had passed, when I saw them, it was as though there hadn’t been any time between us. All the jokes and mutual understanding we had formed on Lipe were still there.

I often feel that the “rawness” of travel can lead to instant lifelong friends. You meet someone once and, in an instant, feel like you’ve known them for years. As fellow travelers, we already have common bonds that make friendship between us more likely. That doesn’t mean we all become the best of friends, of course, but I think traveling removes all our baggage and our history that we often carry around.

My journeys through the world have made me many close and lifelong friends. People from La Tomatina. Friends from Ios. Friends like Paul and Jane. Friends from my time in Bangkok. Friends who I haven’t seen in years but send me invitations to their wedding.

And friends like Erik and Anne. I met them while I was in Bruges in 2009. We spent a few days tasting good Belgian beer and hit it off so well that we ended up going to Amsterdam together for a week. I saw them a few months later when I stopped in Copenhagen, but since then hadn’t seen nor spoken to them much. We got caught up in our own lives.

Yet now I’m leaving Copenhagen after spending the last five days with them. Just like with Paul and Jane, it was as though Erik, Anne, and I had never been apart. The conversation flowed as easily and rapidly as it did back in 2009. We picked up right as though time had frozen our friendship just as it was two years ago.

I don’t know how many people I’ve met during the last five years of travel. Too many to begin to guess. Since you meet so many people on the road, it’s hard to keep up with all of them, especially the further away you get from your travels. Even with the best intentions, communication can fade as separate lives begin to be led.

But sometimes you meet a Paul and Jane. Or an Erik and Anne. Or a Joel. Or a Matt. Or a Nick. Or countless others. And it doesn’t matter how long it’s been since the last time you saw them. Time just can’t break that bond you have. It may be months or years, but whenever it is, you pick up right where you left off.

And that is the greatest gift I think travel gives to us.

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Travel and the Art of Losing Friends

After months on the road, you find yourself back home and excited to resume old friendships. You plan dinners, get-togethers, and nights out. And, as some people fail to respond or show up, you begin realize an awful truth — while you were out exploring the world, your friends crept out the back door of your life.

And, unlike you, they aren’t coming back.

They ghosted.

After being away for over six months, I came back to New York eager to reconnect with my friends. I missed their faces, stories, and presence. But, as most New Yorkers will tell you, friendships are often hard to maintain under the crushing pace of life even when you’re in the same city. Everyone moves a million miles a minute, there’s always an event to attend, and making time for each other is a constant battle of highly conflicting schedules.

“What are you doing two weeks from now?” is a common question in the city that never sleeps.

I expected it but, after many weeks of missed connections and noticed absences from events, I realized that while I was away, I too had been ghosted on. Many had taken my absence as an excuse to finally exit stage left.

At first, I was sad. People I cared about left my life for seemingly no reason. “What did I do wrong? How can I change to get them back?” I wondered.

Then I was mad. “Screw those jerks! They weren’t fun anyway,” I said in an attempt to mask the hurt.

But as I calmed down and thought about it more, I realized I was looking at this situation the wrong way. Going away didn’t lose me friends; it had shown me who my true friends were.

Most people maintain a wide social network, and when you are in touch with that network it’s easy to think relationships are deeper than they are. Traveling showed me which connections were actually deep and which ones were only deep in my mind.

It’s true that friends move in and out of your life regardless of whether you travel or not. It’s life — people change and grow apart. I have many friends I no longer talk to. We moved to different cities, our interests changed, and the ties that bound us grew weaker over time.

But that is a gradual uncoupling and one less emotionally blunt. We know and understand why it’s happening.

But imagine throwing a party, having a great time, going to grab a drink, and turning around to see everyone is suddenly gone.

It’s sudden, shocking, and very depressing.

Part of me thinks “Well, this is just New York. This city is just hard.” But then I remember the tales of other travelers who’ve experienced the same thing and realize it’s not just me and it’s not just this city.

Travel expedites the process of separation and exposes the quality of your friendships. Being away frays the weak bonds you attempt to maintain while strengthening the ones that will withstand the distance of time and space.

My lifestyle doesn’t make maintaining friendships easier, but it doesn’t make it impossible either. I have friends around the world I only see every few years but we make the effort to stay in touch. When we are together, our bond is still strong. I know my friends wonder if I’m actually back or passing through and thus often leave it to me to text them. However, after establishing that I am really back and I do want to hang out, you begin to wonder how strong the bond is when you’re doing all the work. When your texts go unanswered and plans constantly get cancelled, you see the writing on the wall.

Maybe they want a friend who isn’t a nomad. Maybe we grew apart and I just didn’t realize it.

But, as I said last week, I need to find balance in my life again – and that includes coming to terms with this.

Maybe one day the people who’ve left will wonder how I am and what I’m doing. Maybe a part of them will be sad that they don’t know.

But what I do know is that while they were ghosting, those that stayed and I became closer.

And, for that, I am truly grateful.