Travel and the Art of Losing Friends

After months on the road, you find yourself back home and excited to resume old friendships. You plan dinners, get-togethers, and nights out. And, as some people fail to respond or show up, you begin realize an awful truth — while you were out exploring the world, your friends crept out the back door of your life.

And, unlike you, they aren’t coming back.

They ghosted.

After being away for over six months, I came back to New York eager to reconnect with my friends. I missed their faces, stories, and presence. But, as most New Yorkers will tell you, friendships are often hard to maintain under the crushing pace of life even when you’re in the same city. Everyone moves a million miles a minute, there’s always an event to attend, and making time for each other is a constant battle of highly conflicting schedules.

“What are you doing two weeks from now?” is a common question in the city that never sleeps.

I expected it but, after many weeks of missed connections and noticed absences from events, I realized that while I was away, I too had been ghosted on. Many had taken my absence as an excuse to finally exit stage left.

At first, I was sad. People I cared about left my life for seemingly no reason. “What did I do wrong? How can I change to get them back?” I wondered.

Then I was mad. “Screw those jerks! They weren’t fun anyway,” I said in an attempt to mask the hurt.

But as I calmed down and thought about it more, I realized I was looking at this situation the wrong way. Going away didn’t lose me friends; it had shown me who my true friends were.

Most people maintain a wide social network, and when you are in touch with that network it’s easy to think relationships are deeper than they are. Traveling showed me which connections were actually deep and which ones were only deep in my mind.

It’s true that friends move in and out of your life regardless of whether you travel or not. It’s life — people change and grow apart. I have many friends I no longer talk to. We moved to different cities, our interests changed, and the ties that bound us grew weaker over time.

But that is a gradual uncoupling and one less emotionally blunt. We know and understand why it’s happening.

But imagine throwing a party, having a great time, going to grab a drink, and turning around to see everyone is suddenly gone.

It’s sudden, shocking, and very depressing.

Part of me thinks “Well, this is just New York. This city is just hard.” But then I remember the tales of other travelers who’ve experienced the same thing and realize it’s not just me and it’s not just this city.

Travel expedites the process of separation and exposes the quality of your friendships. Being away frays the weak bonds you attempt to maintain while strengthening the ones that will withstand the distance of time and space.

My lifestyle doesn’t make maintaining friendships easier, but it doesn’t make it impossible either. I have friends around the world I only see every few years but we make the effort to stay in touch. When we are together, our bond is still strong. I know my friends wonder if I’m actually back or passing through and thus often leave it to me to text them. However, after establishing that I am really back and I do want to hang out, you begin to wonder how strong the bond is when you’re doing all the work. When your texts go unanswered and plans constantly get cancelled, you see the writing on the wall.

Maybe they want a friend who isn’t a nomad. Maybe we grew apart and I just didn’t realize it.

But, as I said last week, I need to find balance in my life again – and that includes coming to terms with this.

Maybe one day the people who’ve left will wonder how I am and what I’m doing. Maybe a part of them will be sad that they don’t know.

But what I do know is that while they were ghosting, those that stayed and I became closer.

And, for that, I am truly grateful.

Reflections on 5 Months of Travel: Time to Hang Up the Backpack

Last year, after my friend Scott passed away, I decided it was time to stop trying to plan a big multi-month trip and actually do it. His death made me realize that our time is short and you shouldn’t put off something in hopes that “the perfect time will come.” There’s no perfect time to just go — but there I was, waiting for one. I had fallen for the thing that I so often argue people not to do.

For the last couple of years, most of my travel has been in short, very frenetic bursts – a far cry from the slow travel I undertook when I started on the road. Between conferences, life obligations, and trying to having a home base, I kept cutting my trips shorter than I wanted.

Sure, I was on the road, but it wasn’t those endless, carefree travel days of yore. Trying to juggle so many things in my life made it hard to just pick up and take off.

Scott’s death made me rethink my position, and so last November, I packed my bag and hit the road again. I wanted adventure, freedom, and to remember what it was like to have no time limit on your travels — to just go with the flow all over again.

Five months later, I came home.

Change is often gradual and insidious. You often don’t realize how much a trip has affected you until months later. You don’t realize that time spent hiking through the Amazon changed you until it is too late.

But I knew right away how this trip changed me: it taught me that I don’t want to travel for so long for the foreseeable future. I’m over it.

I love travel, but after ten years on the road, I discovered that spending five months away isn’t enjoyable for me. It’s too long to be away when I’m in a period of my life where I want to slow down and create a life in just one place.

I loved the first two months — they were fun, exciting, and everything I thought they would be — but, as time went on, this trip confirmed what I began to believe after my book tour: two months of constant travel is my new limit. After that, I get burnt out.

I’m not sure when it happened, but I like being home. I’ve been going back and forth with the idea of having a home for years, but this last trip helped me realize I really do like staying in one place, going to the gym, cooking, going to bed at 10, reading books, and all those other homebody-like routines.

And my friends and I are going to open more hostels this year, which will consume a lot of my time and require me to be stateside! (NYC and Portland, I’m coming for you!)

I’m shocked at myself for changing. Who would have thought there would be a domesticated Matt? Not I!

I have many domestic trips lined up but my passport won’t be used until July when I go to Sweden. I’ll fly again to warmer climates in the winter but I’m excited not to have any other travel plans on my calendar.

I need a break. I’m slightly sick of being on the road. The anxiety and panic attacks my last trip caused while trying to juggle everything made me realize I am no superman. Working while traveling has taught me I never want to do that again. Those Argentinians in San Rafael shook me to the core when they said, “Why are you working so much? Did you come to travel or to work?”

They were right. I came to travel. I don’t want to work and travel anymore and the only way to do that is shift how I travel.

The most enjoyable parts of my last trip were when I was simply a traveler. When the computer was shut, when I was offline and could fully immerse myself in my destination, I was my happiest. I felt like I was immersed in a destination and focused.

I’m going back to that kind of travel.

While I might have outgrown long-term travel, I certainly did not outgrow backpacking. Being with those guys in San Rafael, staying in hostels in Australia, and hanging out with travelers in Southeast Asia made me realize I want to do more of that — and just that.

My computer is not coming with me anymore.

They say trips take you, you don’t take them, and I’ve never walked away from a trip without some new insight. This trip showed me that if I’m going to enjoy my travels, I need to change how I approach them — by planning shorter trips and leaving my work at home.

When something becomes a chore, you lose your passion for it, and the last thing I want to do is lose my love of travel… even for a second.

And, though I’m taking a break and enjoying this rest stop, I still see the road and I know, sooner or later, I will answer its siren song, sling on my backpack, and be on the move again.

Getting Away for a 3-day Weekend Could Make You Happier Than a Long Vacation

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Next time you’re planning a vacation you may want to think small. As in three-day weekend small.

According to Jonathan Alpert, a Manhattan-based psychotherapist and well-being expert, taking just one Friday or Monday off of work can do just as much for your mental health as taking off an entire week.

“Clients often tell me they want to go as far away as possible for as long as possible,” he recently told NBC. “But then it takes a day to get to their destination, they run into issues accessing their email in a remote place, and inevitably, they get so stressed planning it, that they aren’t able to truly disconnect.”

Though past research suggested that eight days is the optimal time length for a vacation, that amount of time off a year can be unreasonable for many people. Especially when you consider the average American receives just 10 paid vacation days a year.

And, as Alpert additionally explained, using that much time off is akin to trying to “binge sleep” on the weekends to catch up on your rest. This, he said, will do little for your health, just like a long vacation won’t fix all your woes in eight days. Instead, it’s best to opt for several short vacations to help you feel more restored all year long.

It appears people are already unintentionally heeding this excellent advice. In a 2017 survey by Enterprise Rent-A-Car, 85 percent of Americans said they were planning to take a three-day trip in 2018, NBC reported. Almost half of the respondents cited “reducing stress” as to why they wanted a three-day escape.

Indeed, a three-day vacation can make you feel less stressed because they can be far less stressful to plan, cheaper than a long getaway, easier to execute, and will give you more vacations to look forward to.

But, where should you go on a three-day journey? Check out our guide to everything three-day weekend related, including where to go, where to stay, and what to do to maximize those 72 hours of bliss.