Life in Paris, Part 2: Only One Month Left

Posted: 5/20/2019 | May 20th, 2019

It feels like only days ago I came to Paris — and now it’s the middle of May.

And, with more time behind me than ahead of me (I leave June 19), as I look back on my time here, I can’t say I’ve seen as much of Paris as I intended.

I haven’t visited one new attraction. Or taken one day trip out of the city. Or gone to another region of the country. Or even the outlying neighborhoods of the city, really. Nothing.

I have taken five walking tours (so I did something).

But that’s it.

That’s the extent of my explorations of Paris.

But, as I mull that over, I realize I don’t really care about that stat.

Because I’ve done what I came to Paris to do: create a quiet life.

My time here so far has been characterized more by writing, sleeping, and, overall, just generally “chilling.”

I’ve made a few friends — and, thanks to said new friends, exponentially increased the number of favorite restaurants and bars on my Google map. (So, I guess, if I have done a lot of anything, it’s eating and drinking.)

Every place, every moment has a lesson in it. Every place is perfect for certain times in your life. Thailand was the place I need to explore my independent self. New York City was what I needed when I transitioned from nomad to non-nomad. They were the perfect bridges to a new phase of life.

Paris is my bridge to a quieter life.

But, more than that, Paris has taught me something about myself I didn’t fully realize until now:

I’m the most motivated when I feel I have limited time.

I came to Paris guns blazing, with a grand vision that I’d have all this time to explore. I was going to do so much.

But three-hour lunches take up a lot of your day. So does work. So does dinner with friends. So do a plethora of visits from other friends.

When you live somewhere (instead of just visiting), there’s always tomorrow. When I feel like there’s a tomorrow, I’m less inclined to leave my comfort zone. I work, read, sleep, and eat.

So I always put everything off. I wanted to work anyways. I was in no rush.

But eventually, you run out of tomorrows.

Suddenly, you wake up and months have passed and you marvel at how quickly time went by.

Now, the clock is ticking down rapidly and I’m ready to kick things into high gear.

With only about six weeks in Europe left (and only half of them in Paris), I’ve begun to book more walking tours, museum visits, and cooking classes, plus trips to Bordeaux and Normandy. (Booking all this in advance ensures I won’t find a work reason to skip it!)

Looking back, I don’t think I’d change a thing, though. I needed some R&R. Not only from travel but from life. I needed time to get my head right again. To wind down projects, relax, and get some motivation back. I needed to take a step back and hit the reset button.

I’m heading to Normandy next week. After that, I’m off to Italy. Then it’s my birthday.

Then it’s home.

For now, at least.

After that, who knows?

If Paris reminded me of anything, it’s that I need to stop planning and accept that when I do make plans, I’m likely to just do the opposite.

I just need to see where the day takes me.

Book Your Trip to Paris: Logistical Tips and Tricks

Book Your Flight
Find a cheap flight by using Skyscanner or Momondo. They are my two favorite search engines because they search websites and airlines around the globe so you always know no stone is left unturned.

Book Your Accommodation
You can book your hostel with Hostelworld. If you want to stay somewhere other than a hostel, use Booking.com as they consistently return the cheapest rates for guesthouses and cheap hotels. I use them all the time. Some of my favorite places to stay in Paris are:

• St. Christopher’s Canal – Comfy spot on the canal. During the summer months, the terrace is hopping!
• 3 Ducks Hostel – This hostel has one of the cheapest bars in the city, and it’s just a 10-minute walk to the Eiffel Tower.
• Les Piaules – Fantastic chimney lounge, a cool bar, and a rooftop space. It’s a great place to meet people!

Don’t Forget Travel Insurance
Travel insurance will protect you against illness, injury, theft, and cancellations. It’s comprehensive protection in case anything goes wrong. I never go on a trip without it as I’ve had to use it many times in the past. I’ve been using World Nomads for ten years. My favorite companies that offer the best service and value are:

• World Nomads (for everyone below 70)
• Insure My Trip (for those over 70)

Looking for the best companies to save money with?
Check out my resource page for the best companies to use when you travel! I list all the ones I use to save money when I travel – and I think will help you too!

Looking for more information on visiting Paris?
Check out my in-depth destination guide to Paris with more tips on what to see, do, costs, ways to save, and much, much more!

How Travel Taught Me How to Not Give a F*ck

I vaguely knew about Mark Manson. He was a friend of friends, a fellow blogger, and someone I knew who wrote well researched (and always a little controversial) posts. When he and his wife moved to NYC, we finally met in person (I actually met his wife first). We became friends – we’re both nerds, entrepreneurs, writers, poker players, and lovers of whiskey. I blurbed his book, The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck. It’s a phenomenal book about focusing on what matters. Chelsea Handler and Chris Hemsworth (aka THOR) are huge fans. Mark is a phenomenal writer and, and in a long overdue post, he finally wrote something for the site. In this post, Mark talks about how travel made him the person is today – and laid the foundation for the book.

I have vomited in six different countries. That may not be the most savory statistic for a travel article, but when you’re huddled over a drainage ditch, spewing up what for all you know could have been sautéed rat meat, these moments have a way of staying in your mind.

I remember getting a flat tire in the Indian countryside and the locals being flabbergasted as I changed it myself. I remember staying up until 4AM in a hostel arguing with a drunk English kid who thought 9/11 was a hoax. I remember an old Ukrainian man got me drunk on the best vodka of my life and claimed he was stationed in a Soviet U-Boat off the coast of Mississippi in the 1970s (which is probably untrue, but who knows).

I remember climbing the Great Wall of China hungover, getting ripped off on a boat trip in Bali (spoiler alert: there was no boat), sneaking my way into a five-star resort on the Dead Sea, and the night I met my wife in a Brazilian night club.

Since selling my possessions in the fall of 2009, I remember a lot of things. I set out with a small suitcase to travel around the world. I had a small internet business, a blog, and a dream.

My year (maybe two) long trip turned into seven years (and sixty countries).

With most things in life, you know exactly what benefits you’re going to get from them. If I go to the gym, I know I’m going to get stronger and/or lose weight. If I hire a tutor, I know I’m going to learn more about a specific subject. If I start a new Netflix series, I know I’m not going to sleep for the next three days until I finish it.

But travel is different.

Travel, unlike anything else in life, has the beautiful ability to give you benefits you didn’t expect. It doesn’t just teach you what you don’t know, it also teaches you what you don’t know you don’t know.

I gained a lot of amazing experiences from my travels — experiences I expected and looked for. I saw incredible sites. I learned about world history and foreign cultures. I often had more fun than I knew was possible.

But the most important effects of my years of travel are actually the benefits that I didn’t even know I would get and the memories I didn’t know I would have.

For example, I don’t know the moment I became comfortable being alone. But it happened somewhere in Europe, probably in either Germany or Holland.

When I was younger, I would consistently feel as though something was wrong with me if I was by myself for too long — “Do people not like me? Do I not have any friends?” I felt a constant need to surround myself with girlfriends and friends, to always be at parties, and always be in touch. If for some reason I weren’t included in other people’s plans, it was a personal judgment on me and my character.

But, by the time I returned to Boston in 2010, that feeling somehow stopped. I don’t know where or when. All I know is I flew home from Portugal after 8 months abroad, sat at home, and felt fine.

I don’t remember where I was when I developed a sense of patience (probably somewhere in Latin America). I used to be the guy who would get angry if a bus was late (which often happens in Latin America), or I missed my turn on the highway and had to loop back around. Sh*t like that used to drive me insane.

Then one day, it just didn’t. It ceased to be a big deal. The bus will eventually come and I’ll still get to where I need to go. It became clear that my emotional energy was limited and I was better off saving that energy for moments that mattered.

I don’t recall exactly when I learned how to express my feelings either.

Ask any of my girlfriends pre-travels and they’ll tell you: I was a closed book. An enigma wrapped in bubble-wrap and held together by duct tape (but with an extremely handsome face).

My problem was that I was afraid to offend people, step on toes, or create an uncomfortable situation.

But now? Most people comment that I’m so blunt and open that it can be jarring. Sometimes my wife jokes that I’m too honest.

I don’t recall when I became more accepting of people of different walks of life or when I started appreciating my parents or when I learned how to communicate with someone despite neither of us speaking the same language.

But all of these happened….somewhere in the world, in some country, with somebody. I don’t have any photos of these moments. I just know they are there.

Somewhere along the way I became a better me.

Last year, I wrote a book called The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck: A Counterintuitive Approach to Living a Good Life. The premise of the book is essentially that we all have a limited number of f*cks to give in our lives, therefore we should be conscious of what we’re choosing to give a f*ck about.

Looking back, I think that it was my experience traveling that subtly, without me realizing it, taught me to not give a f*ck. It taught me to not give a fu*k about being alone, the bus being late, other people’s plans, or creating an uncomfortable situation or two.

Memories are made from what we give a f*ck about.

I have all the usual photos from my travels. Me on the beaches. Me at Carnaval. Me with my buddy Brad surfing in Bali. Machu Picchu.

I gave a f*ck about those.

The photos are great. The memories are great.

But like anything in life, their importance fades the further removed you get from them. Just like those moments in high school that you think are going to define your life forever cease to matter a few years into adulthood, those glorious peaks of travel experience seem to matter less the more time passes. What seemed life-changing and world-shaking at the time now simply elicits a smile, some nostalgia and maybe an excited, “Oh yeah! Wow, I was so skinny back then!”

Travel, although a great thing, is just another thing. It’s not you. It’s something you do. It’s something you experience. It’s something you savor and brag about to your friends down the street.

But it’s not you.

Yet these other, memoryless qualities — the outgrown personal confidence, the comfort with myself and my failings, the greater appreciation for family and friends, the ability to rely upon myself — these are the real gifts that travel gives you.

And, despite the fact that they produce no photos or stories for cocktail parties, they are the things stay with you forever.

They are your real lasting memories….because these things are you.

And they will always be you.

Mark Manson is a blogger, entrepreneur, and author of the New York Times Bestseller The Subtle Art of Not Giving a Fuck: A Counterintuitive Approach to Living a Good Life. His book is one of the best books I read in 2016 and I can’t recommend it enough. It’s well written, funny, self-deprecating, and even works in a panda bear! You can read more of his work at MarkManson.net.

This Non-Nomadic Life (Part Deux)

Posted: 8/30/2018 | August 30th, 2018

Years ago, when I tried to slow down and travel less, I wrote a post on my new “non-nomadic” life.

It didn’t stick — and I was quickly back on the road.

It was a pattern that lasted for years.

I’d come home, proclaim to my friends was I’m going to settle down for real this time only to leave again a few months later.

It became sort of a running joke between my friends and me.

(And I think here too, with all my “no, for real!” blog posts.)

But, after many false starts, I finally became truly non-nomadic last year.

This year, I’ve only spent a combined two and half months on the road. While that’s a lot by “real world” standards, it’s not a lot for a guy who spent a decade moving every few days/weeks/months and named his blog after his being a nomad.

I don’t even have another trip planned until October — and, right now, it’s only 50/50 that it will happen.

This is the least I’ve ever traveled since I went on the road in 2006.

My friends had grown accustomed to me popping in and out of their lives. Now they are getting used to the weirdness of having me around. It’s been nice to get texts asking what I’m doing and if I’m free again.

And you know what?

I love my non-nomadic life.

I think settling down has stuck this time around because I’m ready to finally do so. As I said in a blog post earlier this year, I finally became OK with the fact that life changes, situations change, and your desires change.

Moving on doesn’t mean abandoning who you were.

I kept traveling as a way to hold on to the past. I couldn’t let go of the image I had in my head of life on the road and all it symbolized: freedom, adventure, meeting new people, and a lack of responsibilities.

It was all very fun — and I didn’t want to grow up. I had made a life around traveling and, in a case of irony, I couldn’t leave my comfort zone.

To me, doing so would negate all the hard work I had done. It would be admitting defeat. It would be like death.

But trees don’t grow because they blow in the wind; they grow because they have roots.

And accepting that if I really wanted to lead the life I wanted — one of routine and presence — that I would need roots was a huge shift in my mindset.

I love my routine: the daily writing, working on this website, sleeping in my own bed, cooking breakfast, going to the gym, seeing friends regularly, dating, and just being in one place and not tired all the time.

Don’t get me wrong: I love travel and still want to see countless places around the world. I roam the guidebook aisle in my bookstore, dreaming of where I might go next. I search flight deals each day. I imagine myself in far-off tropical lands and picture the people I’d meet there.

Yet I’m OK with “going tomorrow.”

After so many years on the road, these last few months at home have taught me that my nomadic ways are truly over.

As I sip tea at a café where the barista knows what I want when I walk in the door, I’m perfectly content where I am.

I’ve seen a lot of the world.

I’ve had incredible experiences.

But, right now, it’s time to just enjoy the simplicity and pleasure that comes with staying in one place for more than a few days.

The rest of the world can wait a bit longer.

Book Your Trip: Logistical Tips and Tricks

Book Your Flight
Find a cheap flight by using Skyscanner or Momondo. They are my two favorite search engines. Start with Momondo.

Book Your Accommodation
You can book your hostel with Hostelworld. If you want to stay elsewhere, use Booking.com as they consistently return the cheapest rates. (Here’s the proof.)

Don’t Forget Travel Insurance
Travel insurance will protect you against illness, injury, theft, and cancellations. I never ever go on a trip without it. I’ve been using World Nomads for ten years. You should too.

Need Some Gear?
Check out our resource page for the best companies to use!

Finding Lifelong Friendships

Posted: 05/31/2011 | May 31st, 2011

I hadn’t seen Paul and Jane in over four years.

The three of us met on the island of Ko Lipe in Thailand in 2006 — a place we loved so much, we stayed a month. The three of us became close friends in that time. By the end, it was as though we had known each other for years. However, with my visa expiring, I had to leave. Yet, as I left the island, Paul and Jane made me promise to visit them in New Zealand. It was something I could easily do.

Four years later I finally arrived in New Zealand. Despite the amount of time that had passed, when I saw them, it was as though there hadn’t been any time between us. All the jokes and mutual understanding we had formed on Lipe were still there.

I often feel that the “rawness” of travel can lead to instant lifelong friends. You meet someone once and, in an instant, feel like you’ve known them for years. As fellow travelers, we already have common bonds that make friendship between us more likely. That doesn’t mean we all become the best of friends, of course, but I think traveling removes all our baggage and our history that we often carry around.

My journeys through the world have made me many close and lifelong friends. People from La Tomatina. Friends from Ios. Friends like Paul and Jane. Friends from my time in Bangkok. Friends who I haven’t seen in years but send me invitations to their wedding.

And friends like Erik and Anne. I met them while I was in Bruges in 2009. We spent a few days tasting good Belgian beer and hit it off so well that we ended up going to Amsterdam together for a week. I saw them a few months later when I stopped in Copenhagen, but since then hadn’t seen nor spoken to them much. We got caught up in our own lives.

Yet now I’m leaving Copenhagen after spending the last five days with them. Just like with Paul and Jane, it was as though Erik, Anne, and I had never been apart. The conversation flowed as easily and rapidly as it did back in 2009. We picked up right as though time had frozen our friendship just as it was two years ago.

I don’t know how many people I’ve met during the last five years of travel. Too many to begin to guess. Since you meet so many people on the road, it’s hard to keep up with all of them, especially the further away you get from your travels. Even with the best intentions, communication can fade as separate lives begin to be led.

But sometimes you meet a Paul and Jane. Or an Erik and Anne. Or a Joel. Or a Matt. Or a Nick. Or countless others. And it doesn’t matter how long it’s been since the last time you saw them. Time just can’t break that bond you have. It may be months or years, but whenever it is, you pick up right where you left off.

And that is the greatest gift I think travel gives to us.

Related articles

How to Travel the World on $50 a Day

My New York Times best-selling paperback guide to world travel will teach you how to master the art of travel save money, get off the beaten path, and have a more local, richer travel experiences.

Click here to learn more about the book, how it can help you, and you can start reading it today!

Why I Travel Alone: A Solo Traveler's Manifesto

Updated: 07/26/2018 | July 26th, 2018

“Joe, did you book your ticket yet?” I asked as we sat playing video games.

“No. I changed my mind. I’m not going to go.”

“What? You aren’t going to Australia? We’ve been planning this vacation for months!” I was stupified.

“Yeah, I don’t feel like it. We’ll go some other time.”

Over the coming weeks, I attempted to get my friend to reconsider, but to no avail. When Joe changed his mind, he changed his mind. Our trip to Australia — our big post-college adventure — was off.

And none of my friends wanted to replace him.

If I wanted to travel, it would have to be on my own.

So, in 2004, I left by myself to Costa Rica. It was that trip that planted the travel bug in me. It was that trip that helped inspire me to travel more, visit Thailand, and quit my job to travel the world.

Joe not going was the best thing that ever happened to me.

But him not going was a pattern that has repeated itself consistently over the years. While a few friends have joined me here and there along the way, more often than not, plans to meet friends in far-flung places don’t pan out. When it comes down to the wire, “something” always comes up and they’re suddenly too busy, change their mind, or can’t afford it.

It’s taught me that if I wait for others, I’ll never go anywhere.

There are places I want to go, people to see, experiences to have, and food to try — and only so much time to accomplish it all.

So I refuse to wait. I won’t let others keep me from realizing my dreams.

It can be scary traveling alone, especially when you’ve never done it before. But, to me, growing old without experiencing everything you want from life is even scarier.

If you’ve been putting off a trip because you’re waiting for someone to go with — stop. Just go. Don’t let others hold you back from your dreams. Trust me, along the way you’ll make plenty of friends — from other solo travelers who thought “Screw it, if I don’t go, I’ll never go” to locals interested in meeting new people.

I’ve found that you’re never alone when you travel. I worried that if I didn’t travel with friends, I’d be alone. I’d never make any friends. But it turns out you make so many on the road that you have to go out of your way to be alone! You’re constantly surrounded by people!

Solo travel gives you ultimate freedom. You wake up and it’s just you — what you want, where you want, when you want. In that freedom and infinite space of possibility, you meet yourself. You hit the limits of what you like and don’t like. There’s no one to pull you in any one direction or override your reasons. Want sushi? Get sushi. Want to leave? Leave. Want to try bungee jumping? Go for it.

It’s sink or swim and you have to learn how to survive — who to trust, how to make friends, how to find your way around alone. That’s the greatest reward of solo travel: the personal growth. Each time you go away, you learn to become a little more independent, confident, and in tune with your emotions and desires.

Solo travel is not for everyone. Some people return home soon after departing, others cry for weeks before embracing it, and some just embrace it right away. But you’ll never learn that if you don’t travel once by yourself. Whether a weekend away, a two-week vacation, or trip around the world, try it at least once.

Don’t wait for people or hold back from living your dreams. You could be waiting a long time until someone finally says yes. There’s only now — and if you don’t go, you’ll regret it.

Because if I hadn’t stopped waiting, I’d still be in my cubicle, trying to convince Joe to go to Australia and wondering if I’d ever get to see the world.

How to Travel the World on $50 a Day

My New York Times best-selling paperback guide to world travel will teach you how to master the art of travel save money, get off the beaten path, and have a more local, richer travel experiences.

Click here to learn more about the book, how it can help you, and you can start reading it today!

Travel: The Ultimate Personal Development Tool

With the explosion of websites, podcasts, and conferences teaching you how to improve your life (this one being no exception), it’s clear many of us want to become a better version of ourselves. We all want to be the person we imagine we could be if given just the right circumstances.

We want to learn more languages.

We want to be less awkward in social situations.

We want to eat better.

We want to read more.

We want to work out more.

We want to travel more.

We want to be more active.

We want to be more independent.

The list goes on and on!!

So often we go through life without really thinking about where we are heading. One day turns into the next and all those things we desire to do and become seem to pile up while we look for the perfect day to start.

Over the last year, I’ve had my ups and downs and have been working hard to make changes to my life. It takes a lot of work to change. Even one or two changes to change your life requires concentrated effort and persistence. But to make a hundred changes? That is biting off more than you can chew. No one has the mental energy or time to do that.

That’s why most new year’s resolutions fail. We create a long list of things to accomplish in the new year but, in the end, most of us give up, overwhelmed by all we want to do.

So when people tell me all the ways they want to improve their lives, my advice to them is to travel for one simple reason:

Travel solves a plethora of self-improvement goals in one fell swoop.

Picture this: You’ve booked a flight to Kiev. You don’t speak Ukrainian or Russian. And, to top it off, you’re going alone. You land in Kiev. Now, you have to navigate signs in a different language, ask people who probably don’t speak your language well for directions (maybe pantomime and point at maps indicating where you want to go), get to your hostel, make friends in the dorm (no one wants to be alone), and get around and sightsee the city during your stay.

By the time you leave, you’ve learned how to communicate even when you don’t speak the language, figured out how to navigate an unknown place, learned to turn strangers into friends, learned how to be independent, and solved a slew of problems that came up as you made your way around a foreign country.

During one trip, you got better at communication, problem solving, languages, social situations, and improved your confidence in your ability to do new things and handle unexpected situations.

Why? Because you had to. You had no other choice.

And you didn’t even know you were doing it.

People always ask me about the moment I realized I “changed.” While there are moments in your life that ripple through the years, for me, there was no single instance that I can point to that turned me from a shy introvert who never traveled to someone able to plop down in any city, find my way, and turn strangers into friends. It was a process that happened slowly over time.

Before I set out on my first trip around the world, I had never really lived outside my state, hadn’t traveled much, had a small group of friends, and had only been in one relationship.

I was a nerdy introvert. While the old parts of me are still there (I’ll still gravitate towards my friends at a party rather than talk to someone I don’t know), it’s become a lot easier for me to talk to new people when there’s no one familiar around. While I still run through all the “what ifs” when I get on a plane to a new destination, when I land I hit the ground running (and wonder why I was ever worried in the first place).

Traveling forced me out of my routine. It helped me become independent, take more risks, be ok with change, get better with people, learn more, and be more versatile.

Travel is not some panacea. The baggage you have comes with you on the road. There is no place far enough away to escape your problems. But what travel does is give you the space to be someone else and improve your life. It allows you to say “What would the new me do?” and then do it – without worrying that someone you know might notice. It puts you into situations that force you to better yourself. It won’t instantly solve your problems — only you can do that — but at least, on the road, you have a clean slate to try.

As the new year approaches and you create your list of resolutions, cross them all off, and just write one down: to travel alone more.

It is the ultimate way to become a better, more confident you.

Travel and the Art of Losing Friends

After months on the road, you find yourself back home and excited to resume old friendships. You plan dinners, get-togethers, and nights out. And, as some people fail to respond or show up, you begin realize an awful truth — while you were out exploring the world, your friends crept out the back door of your life.

And, unlike you, they aren’t coming back.

They ghosted.

After being away for over six months, I came back to New York eager to reconnect with my friends. I missed their faces, stories, and presence. But, as most New Yorkers will tell you, friendships are often hard to maintain under the crushing pace of life even when you’re in the same city. Everyone moves a million miles a minute, there’s always an event to attend, and making time for each other is a constant battle of highly conflicting schedules.

“What are you doing two weeks from now?” is a common question in the city that never sleeps.

I expected it but, after many weeks of missed connections and noticed absences from events, I realized that while I was away, I too had been ghosted on. Many had taken my absence as an excuse to finally exit stage left.

At first, I was sad. People I cared about left my life for seemingly no reason. “What did I do wrong? How can I change to get them back?” I wondered.

Then I was mad. “Screw those jerks! They weren’t fun anyway,” I said in an attempt to mask the hurt.

But as I calmed down and thought about it more, I realized I was looking at this situation the wrong way. Going away didn’t lose me friends; it had shown me who my true friends were.

Most people maintain a wide social network, and when you are in touch with that network it’s easy to think relationships are deeper than they are. Traveling showed me which connections were actually deep and which ones were only deep in my mind.

It’s true that friends move in and out of your life regardless of whether you travel or not. It’s life — people change and grow apart. I have many friends I no longer talk to. We moved to different cities, our interests changed, and the ties that bound us grew weaker over time.

But that is a gradual uncoupling and one less emotionally blunt. We know and understand why it’s happening.

But imagine throwing a party, having a great time, going to grab a drink, and turning around to see everyone is suddenly gone.

It’s sudden, shocking, and very depressing.

Part of me thinks “Well, this is just New York. This city is just hard.” But then I remember the tales of other travelers who’ve experienced the same thing and realize it’s not just me and it’s not just this city.

Travel expedites the process of separation and exposes the quality of your friendships. Being away frays the weak bonds you attempt to maintain while strengthening the ones that will withstand the distance of time and space.

My lifestyle doesn’t make maintaining friendships easier, but it doesn’t make it impossible either. I have friends around the world I only see every few years but we make the effort to stay in touch. When we are together, our bond is still strong. I know my friends wonder if I’m actually back or passing through and thus often leave it to me to text them. However, after establishing that I am really back and I do want to hang out, you begin to wonder how strong the bond is when you’re doing all the work. When your texts go unanswered and plans constantly get cancelled, you see the writing on the wall.

Maybe they want a friend who isn’t a nomad. Maybe we grew apart and I just didn’t realize it.

But, as I said last week, I need to find balance in my life again – and that includes coming to terms with this.

Maybe one day the people who’ve left will wonder how I am and what I’m doing. Maybe a part of them will be sad that they don’t know.

But what I do know is that while they were ghosting, those that stayed and I became closer.

And, for that, I am truly grateful.

The Swedish Birthday Party

As I sat in my tuxedo, taking another sip of Swedish schnapps, I turned to the girl next to me and whispered:

“Why are there so many speeches?”

“At birthday parties like this, it’s common in Swedish culture for people to get up and say nice things,” she said. She paused, looking as the speaker regaled us with stories about the birthday boy, and then leaned into my ear again: “It happens so much that when my parents threw a 65th birthday party, they specifically said ‘no speeches’ because they were tired of hearing the same thing and just wanted to drink.”

Annika, sporting de rigueur Swedish features –  blonde hair, blue eyes, and eyebrows that would make Cara Delevingne jealous – was giving me an intro to Swedish birthday celebrations. Just when the night’s speeches seemed to draw to a conclusion, another person stood up to talk about Erik, the night’s honored guest.

Like me, Erik loves any excuse to throw a swanky party, and, as 30 is a big deal in his family, used it to throw a black tie affair that could compete with a museum gala. Though his birthday is in January, he planned the celebration for July, because, as he so accurately put it, “Who wants to be outside in Sweden in January?!”

The event was held in Stockholm’s Djurgården. Djurgården is one of the largest islands in the city, home to Gröna Lund amusement park, the Vasa Museum, the ABBA Museum, and Skansen (an open-air museum of pre-industrial Swedish life). But, more than its museums, this island is famed for its plethora of running trails and gardens. When the weather is warm and the sun shines, Swedes can be found swarming all over this green oasis.

As I stepped out of my Uber on the far end of Djurgården and followed a tiny stone path, I came to Rosendals Trädgård, a greenhouse-like restaurant where dinner would be held. The city seemed a world away in this farm-like setting with rustic buildings and an orchard. Jaunting down another path, I turned into the orchard, where I saw dozens of other people in tuxedos, ball gowns, and suits. It felt more like a wedding than a birthday party. There, with the sun bright overhead and the wind carrying the smell of flowers, we drank, introduced ourselves to each other, and swapped stories about Erik.

Following the Swedish tradition of sitting single guests next to members of the opposite sex, I found myself paired with the afore mentioned Annika, my Swedish cultural liaison for the evening.

In the U.S., birthday parties don’t frequently feature multiple speeches. There’s a toast, and maybe someone says something nice, but a parade of speeches is often reserved for bigger events — weddings, retirements, engagements, and anniversaries. A 30th birthday typically doesn’t fall into the endless speech category.

As the night progressed, there were drinking songs sung, toasts proffered, bottles of wine consumed, language tips given, and dances danced. The horrible schnapps got easier to drink with each toast, and the meal – made of all local ingredients — became a blur of dishes designed to keep us somewhat sober.

In the Swedish summer, when the sun has barely set a midnight, the constant light beckoned us to stay out longer. So when it started to rise again at 2am and the staff shooed us out the door, we moved the party to a friend’s house before finally stumbling to our respective homes around 6am.

Swedes are often thought of as a cold people — and there is some truth to that. An outwardly stoic culture, Swedes often joke about how they will go out of their way to avoid talking to their neighbors. Striking up conversations with strangers is seen as equally odd.

But underneath that hard exterior, you’ll find a people that are deeply loyal and loving of their friends and family.

Attending Erik’s party reminded me how a simple thing like a birthday party can be a window into a culture. When you witness first-hand how people come together to celebrate, you often see how that culture values relationships.

For example, years ago, I attended a birthday party in Cambodia. It was a free-flowing event that focused so much on the food and the shared meal that it made me really appreciate just how central food was to that culture and how meals were used as a way to strengthen bonds between people.

This night, though, as I watched Erik’s brother recite a poem and his friends sing his favorite drinking songs, I discovered the unreserved side of Swedes. Here, everyone talked about how wonderful my friend was — not to grow his ego but to show their love and appreciation for him and for having him in their lives.

And, as I saw the smile on everyone’s faces and the joy in Erik’s eyes, I thought maybe this was a birthday tradition worth spreading around the world.

P.S. – If you’re going to Stockholm, I just updated my budget guidebook to the city based off my last month stay there! You’ll find suggested itineraries, budgets, ways to save money, on and off the beaten path things to see and do, non-touristy restaurants, bars, and much more!! Click here to learn more.

All photos by Erik’s brother Karl!