How Couples Can Cope with Fights on the Roads

Posted: 05/26/2011 | May 26th, 2011

This is a guest post by Ant, one half of Positive World Travel.

Elise and I fight. A lot.

It’s usually about petty things that don’t really matter, but in the heat of the moment, sometimes even the smallest issues get blown out of proportion.

It’s the stupid stuff, like where we should go next or what we should see. We argue about food a lot, too. Elise is always hungry and needs to eat throughout the day, whereas I can last all day on one big meal. And our filming often causes disagreements; we don’t always share the same “vision.”

Spending 24 hours a day, seven days a week with someone is bound to take its toll at some point or another. It’s normal. In all honesty, I would be more worried about our relationship if we didn’t fight after spending this much time together.

Our fights typically occur on travel days, when one of us is either tired, hungry (mostly Elise!), or fed up with the day. Traveling 18–24 hours on buses, trains, or planes hardly brings the best out in anyone. The snapping begins over something trivial (like what taxi to catch), and before you know it we’re fighting about how Elise never listens or how I never understand her feelings.

One classic fight that should have earned us a spot on Jerry Springer happened when we were traveling from Kathmandu to Chitwan in Nepal. Chitwan is only 150km away from Nepal’s capital, but the road conditions are really poor, so we were on a cramped minibus for about eight hours.

As soon as we got off the bus, Elise started complaining about how she had a sore neck and just needed a sleep and a shower. I, on the other hand, was feeling pretty good. The motion sickness tablets I had taken knocked me out during the trip, and I had managed to grab some sleep on the bus.

That’s when the bickering started.

We snapped at each other about the best way to reach our guesthouse, what guesthouse we were going to stay at, and how long we would be staying there. We bickered the whole time until we found a place to stay. As soon as we were in our room, things got worse. The fighting eventually escalated until I went for a walk and Elise had a sleep.

When I came back from my walk, the fight started again. This time it was about how I never put my toothbrush or contact lens solution in the right spot and how Elise can never remember where she keeps things in her backpack.

The fight continued for another several minutes, and we began to pick on issues totally unrelated to the original topic. When does a fight ever stay on topic anyway? You always end up fighting about irrelevant issues. You say things you’ll regret later and don’t even really mean in the first place.

With tears in Elise’s eyes and I so exhausted by the whole argument, we had to make a choice: either continue fighting or come to our senses.

I told Elise we both needed to calm down and look at what we were fighting about. What was the root of the argument? Nothing but a bumpy bus ride.

I think Elise was just as relieved as I was to end the fight, and we ended up talking about ways we can resolve these conflicts and stop them from happening in the future.

How to Resolve Conflicts
The thing with fighting on the road is that the arguments take on a different form than the fights you have at home. At home, there are distractions like friends and work to keep your mind off the argument. When traveling, however, there’s no escape. You have to talk about how you feel or what’s bothering you and come to a resolution.

What works really well for us is having a “word.” One word that you can both use if you think the other person is picking a fight for the sake of it. You both have to like this agreement. You can’t abuse the word and say it whenever you want just to shut your partner up. It has to work for both of you.

This approach has really saved us and prevented a lot of fights from starting. For instance, if Elise is complaining about how long we’ve been walking or how hungry she is, it tends to get on my nerves. I’ll make comments back to her that can be a little heated, and Elise will simply use the word. It snaps me straight back into line. Even though it may sound silly to act so quickly on one little word, it really does help us to prevent situations from spiraling out of control. I realize that what I’m saying is unnecessary. Problem solved. Fight avoided. Happy days.

Honesty is another important part of a relationship that can help resolve conflicts. Not being afraid to express how you feel is so important during an argument. You have to be able to listen to each other’s point of view and take both criticism and advice to heart.

Arguments are no different than a disease, and prevention is always better than a cure.

After 16 months on the road, we, as a couple, have pretty much figured out how to avoid the bigger arguments. We still bicker a lot, but it’s never anything as serious as the fight in Nepal. We are now conscious of what can set each other off and always try to minimize those actions before they escalate out of control.

Traveling lets us work together in stressful situations and solve problems, but it also allows us to learn how to prevent arguments. The latter is the most challenging thing about traveling as a couple by far, but I think we are slowly mastering it.

Anthony is one half of the dynamic duo at Positive World Travel. Both he and Elise will be writing about their experiences and thoughts on what long-term travel is like as a couple. You can also follow them on Facebook for more of their travel updates.

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Travel Advice from Traveling Couples

This is a guest post by Elise, one half of Positive World Travel. It’s a different format than I’ve done in the past, but let’s see how it works.

It’s been almost two years since Anthony and I started traveling together. In that time, I’ve learned more about Anthony and our relationship than I ever could have if we had stayed in Sydney. I certainly believe our travels have only strengthened our relationship. And so I began to wonder what other couples learned from their trips. I was sure they’d have advice to share, so I decided to contact a few couples and hear their thoughts, tips, and perspectives on life as two on the road.

Life After Kids: The Gypsy Nesters
I was interested in talking with a couple that are now traveling after having raised their kids. David and Veronica from Gypsy Nester have been together for 30 years. Since their kids have flown the nest, they’re enjoying life on the road and have been traveling full-time for the last three years.

David says traveling has been the couple’s best way to share experiences together as a newly minted empty-nest couple. “Our plan took on a life of its own — leading us to sell everything, including our house. Now every day is a new experience, and our relationship is stronger than ever.”

Of their travels together, David says, “In some ways this is a bonus time for us, since we spent a huge portion of our first twenty years of marriage separated because of my work…Now, we get to make up for some of that lost time.”

For Veronica, traveling has opened her up again and she feels free. She says, “Sometimes ‘holing up’ in one place can make you fearful of the world. As a mother, I turned into a protector. My main focus was keeping my children from harm. Though that’s a very commendable thing, it made me fearful.”

So, after three years of full-time travel, what advice do they have for couples who want to travel? “Dial back the day-to-day planning, embrace the unexpected, and look for the unknown gems along the way.” They both agree that, initially, they were trying too hard to see everything in a minimum amount of time. “We had been known to vacation like that, but it’s not a vacation [now] — it’s our lives.”

David and Veronica have really got their lifestyle, relationship, and travel style down pat, and when I asked them to sum up their travels in one word they simply answered: “Discovery.”

A Decade of Travel: Wanderlust Fever

Karen and Eric from Trans Americas Journey are no novices when it comes to either long-term travel or couples travel. In total, they’ve been traveling for just under a decade and have been on the road constantly for the last five years.

Traveling together for Eric and Karen is what they describe as a “long-term endeavor — more [of a] lifestyle than anything else.” For them, the one- to two-week vacation just seems “foreign and impossible.”

Eric and Karen say that their biggest challenge on the road is spending all of their time together. (This is also one of the biggest challenges Ant and I face). But they also see this as their biggest gift. Many people say to them, “If you can travel together, you must have a perfect relationship.” No such thing, they say. Being with someone all the time means it’s “important to find a way to give in to your partner’s needs on his or her deal-breaker issues, and vice versa.”

For them, it’s compromise that is their single most important tip for traveling couples and for maintaining a great relationship on the road. They suggest you “compromise when making decisions (where to go next, budgets, this hotel or that hotel, etc.), especially when it comes to the two or three core elements that are most important to your partner.”

On the Flip Side: The Beginning Travelers

With such great advice from two truly inspiring couples, I also wanted to talk to one couple who have only just started out on their travels. Is their perspective any different? What have they learned in their short time on the road?

Skott and Shawna from Get Up And Globe just started traveling together in June of 2010. Their long-term travel started with looking for a honeymoon destination, but the wheels were set in motion when they realized they wanted to spend time in more than just one location.

Although they weren’t really nervous about traveling together for so long, they do think their travels have been a whole lot easier because, prior to this trip, they worked together. “Working together prepared us quite well. We got to know what makes the other person tick in challenging, high-tension situations,” they said. Skott and Shawna suggest that if you’re worried about spending so much time with your partner, all day every day, try “getting yourselves involved in an activity where you are stuck with each other for at least a few days without escape. For example, a week-long canoe trip or camping.”

Whether you’re a couple who’s been traveling for two weeks or two years, there will always be lessons you can learn to strengthen your relationship. Skott and Shawna focus on communication and trust. “Communication is an area where we are absolutely continuing to grow. If one of us is getting annoyed, we are learning that it is better to explain why you are upset instead of keeping it bottled inside…We are learning we need to trust each other more. Whether it is planning a certain element of the trip, finding our way around a city, or even working on our blog, we need to recognize that the other person is just as competent, and that they need to be given a chance to show what they can do!”

While Skott and Shawna said it took them some time to find their “travel legs,” they absolutely love that they “have someone else to share every incredible experience and every challenging moment with. We will share these moments forever.”

While all three couples have such different relationships and travel experiences, none of them sugar-coated the fact that traveling together is hard and takes work. Yes, the times on the road will be tough, but each couple looked at their travels as time to spend with one another, share special moments, and problem-solve as a strengthened unit.

Traveling with your loved one really is a very unique and rewarding experience. I know I wouldn’t trade my travels with Anthony for anything.

Elise is one half of the dynamic duo at Positive World Travel. Both are writing about their experiences and thoughts on what long-term travel is like as a couple. You can also follow them on Facebook for more of their travel updates.